My Grief and Betrayal
Posted By Denise Miller Holmes on July 21, 2009
Savvy Article #0920
How do you heal from the betrayal and loss of a trusted friend? I’ve been learning how over the past year.
For one thing, I realized that I was not alone in my pain. Betrayal from someone you trust is universal and ancient. David spoke of his own betrayal by a friend in Psalm 55.
Like David, I was betrayed by someone I trusted. When she viciously rejected, abused, and left me, I not only had to grieve the loss of someone I loved, but I had to put together the mind-blowing double message of acceptance and rejection, love and hate.
David describes this pain of the one who you love being your enemy. “My heart is in anguish within me. . . And horror has overwhelmed me.” (verses 4,5 NASB)
When this first happened to me, I wanted to escape the pain more than anything. David says, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove. I would fly away and be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness.” (verses 6,7)
But peace does not come from escaping our problems. Wherever we go, the pain follows. When my betrayal happened, I believed the pain would not end, yet I wanted it to end more than anything.
David begins to describe the reason for his anguish in verse12:
“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me, who has exalted himself against me, Then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, My companion and my familiar friend. We who had sweet fellowship together, Walked in the house of God in the throng.”
David’s betrayer was an ally, a believer, and an intimate. Unfathomable to David; unfathomable to me, too, that a fellow believer who had prayed with me, cared for me, and helped shoulder my burdens could do this.
But as the year has moved on, I have worked through my heartbreak and healed bit by bit.
To those who say healing from betrayal is easy because all you need to do is forgive, I say, it isn’t easy at all. We are human. We don’t do anything perfectly, let alone forgive.
We let go in pieces. We forgive in drips and drabs.
My recent breakthrough? I realized that I was still holding fond memories of her. That may not seem a bad thing, but, it is a bad thing when those memories torture you. When all they do is cause longing and despair, they are toxic.
Besides memories, I had kept some memorabilia of our relationship too. Small things, like a post-it note, a pen, and a voice mail.
I let it all go this week, the one-year anniversary of the betrayal. I gave the memories to God and the memorabilia to the trash because those things kept me bonded to my abuser. They were making me powerless to forget.
I hope my story helps any of you who have gone through this, or any other type of abuse, to understand there is hope. I am fine, and am getting “finer” every day. You will be fine too.
If you want to know more about betrayal, abuse, and the bond that forms between abuser and victim, please see my Examiner.com article called Emotions 101: understanding betrayal. It’s about the book, The Betrayal Bond.
About The Author
Denise, I’m sorry you’ve been through such a painful, confusing betrayal. I too had that sort of loss. Sometimes I don’t know if one fully recovers, or reaches a point where that person losses their meaningfulness. I think we eventually learn how to live with pain like that and not let it hijack our lives. A book that really helped me was, “The Inner Voice of Life” – Henri Nouwen’s book that contains his inner thoughts on a similar experience. This was never supposed to be a published book.
Denise, great post! I can relate to your struggle and am dealing with a similar situation. Thanks for sharing. Definitely a great comfort.
Unfortunately, you are not alone in this. Thank you for your transparency and honesty. I pray it helps others.
I’m excited to see you moving forward. You are a very brave and beautiful woman.
Ladies, I must tell you that you have comforted me. I felt very alone in this, and am glad that you chose to tell me of your similar experiences. Thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain, Denise. Unfortunately, I know that pain as well. I was betrayed and rejected by my entire natural family 11 years ago. It thrust me into an episode of the blues that lasted nearly three years, and a decade of grieving. I can finally say that I’m over the grief. It wasn’t easy, and I really had to work at healing and moving on. It still hurts when my thoughts linger on what I went through.
I’ve just begun a speaking ministry for women who have suffered betrayal and rejection. How sad that there are so many of us.
With God’s grace we move on, collect the shattered pieces of our heart, and create a better self. At the bottom of that pit, with God’s help, I found myself–and I like this new me better than the old one. Each day without the shackles of betrayal’s grief is fresh and wonderful.
Great article, thanks for sharing.